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Wikipedia informs me that more than 5000 Tamil movies have been released since 1931 when the first Tamil movie was released. What Wikipedia fails to mention is that approximately 95% of these movies (4750 for the number geeks) have the same basic plot.

Typical Tamil Movie Poster

The Plot
Traditionally one would assume that the plot and story of the movie would be instrumental in deciding the success of the movie in the box office. But welcome to South India where all international practices fail miserably in the face of the common Tamil man. Infact, there is only one widely known plot which can result in a profitable outcome. As always, exceptions exist but those will be discussed later.

The plot is relatively simple. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy wishes to marry girl but is confronted by her jealous father. (The father can be replaced by uncle or elder brother). Fight ensues in which boy proves his mettle and marries the girl.

Yep, thats it. Expected more? I’m afraid there is nothing more to reveal. The entire movie is cast around this relatively simple plot and occasionally fancied up with some sub plots, exotic locations, and bright clothing.

Essential elements

• High Speed Car Chase

With more camera angles than the entire Pirates of the Caribbean film series, the so-called high speed car chase involves the right hand man of the main villain chasing the hero who is fleeing from him while trying to either reach his lover, his family or a large group of people whom he doesnt know. The camera angles switch rapidly to ensure you dont realize that it isnt the hero driving the car but this technique has failed when observed by anyone smarter than the average chimpanzee. Therefore, in recent years they have resorted to graphics made by out-of-work software engineers to keep the audience in the spirit of the chase.

The car chase must include a minimum of 2 large fiery explosions in which an Ambassador and a jeep fly into the air while rapidly spinning for no apparent reason. For extra effect, the car chase will briefly stop with the hero’s car surrounded on all sides by large trucks and continue after a manly hand-to-hand combat in which the hero knocks out a small army platoon with his bare hands. The car chase usually ends with the chaser’s car going up in flames while the hero reaches his destination. Bonus points if the hero’s car explodes and hero emerges on a motorbike.

• Elaborately Choreographed Fight Scenes

With every fight scene lasting more than ten minutes, the average Tamil film employs more stuntmen than the entire of Hollywood. While we can applaud their efforts for providing employment for the otherwise jobless Indian youth, this particular job involves rolling around the in mud, spinning multiple times in the air, performing gravity defying acrobatics, looking miserable and grumpy, and growing excessive amounts of facial hair.The fight scenes have the hero facing a minimum of twelve opponents with only his bare hands, his items of clothing i.e metal studded leather belt, and wooden sticks which happen to lying around on every second street to defend himself. If his friends rush up to help him, he refuses it with a menacing stare.

Traditionally, the enemies used to attack one by one allowing the hero to defeat all of them without breaking a sweat. However, in recent movies, we observe that the hero is often surrounded by a barrage of henchmen whom he all defeats in a single spinning kicking jumping motion, captured from 300 camera angles and then continues to beat each one up individually, just like the good ol’ days. If it is the final scene of the movie, the boss emerges after all his men have been beaten up and lunges at the hero with a long hooked knife, traditionally used in South India to break coconuts. Invariably, the hero defeats the main baddie but stops from killing him, just as the police arrive on the scene to arrest the baddie and his cronies. Bonus points if the baddie tries to kill the hero from behind after being beaten up but is himself stabbed in the back by an old lady.

• Songs taken in foreign location

Everytime the heroine stares at the hero for more than three consecutive seconds, you can be sure that a song is about the start. In these romantic dream songs, the hero and heroine are magically transported to a exotic foreign location surrounded by either snow or rows of colourful flowers. And throw in a bunch of scantily clad female dancers for an extra zing. And even better if the heroine herself is scantily clad.



Typical Dance Scene

The songs can suggest that the hero is chasing the love of his life or the other way around. Either way, the hero is dressed up in suits of a colour which no sane man would wear. The audio ranges from beautiful and melodious to downright noise. Bonus points if the director makes a special appearance in a song.

Additional Elements, if budget permits

• Kidnap Scenes

Everyone loves a kidnap scene in which the villain kidnaps the mother or the lover or sometimes both, to entice the hero to enter the villain’s lair where he has evil plans to kill him. Bonus points if the hero himself is kidnapped.

• Multiple Roles

Long lost twins, father and son, grandfather and grandson are popular situations for the hero to play dual or more roles. Currently holding the record for most roles in one movie is Kamal Hassan with 10 roles in Dasavathaaram. Bonus points if the hero and villain are played by the same actor.

Guaranteed Hit Element

• Rajnikanth


The Legend Himself

Do I really need to say anymore? Any movie starring the King of Indian cinema, Superstar Rajnikanth is pretty much guaranteed to be a massive box office hit. The average Rajni movie has atleast ten examples of situations where all laws of the scientific world are ignored, from cutting bullets in half with a knife to Matrix style bullet dodging. The Superstar, as he is loving know by all his fans, has portrayed a variety of roles in his 200 movies, from a loyal servant in Muthu which was incidentally translated to Japanese and became a huge hit in Japan, to an underworld don in Baasha, which I must honestly admit is pretty frickin’ amazing. And if by some rare coincidence of time and space, his movie does fail in the box ofice, he is known to personally reimburse the producer.

Unfortunately, currently there are no other elements which can pretty much guarantee a movie to be a box office hit. There are several trends that rise and fall, but none that last for more than a couple of years. The current ongoing trend is to shoot movies completely in a village environment.

The Exceptions
Diverting from the traditional storyline is a big risk. Most directors tend to avoid it since it can result in a massive loss. But for a few daring ones, the results have been magnanimous. Kamal Hassan starrer Nayagan, in which Kamal played a underworld don and was quite different from the everyday Tamil movie is the only Tamil film to be included in TIME’s list of 100 All Time Best Films. And on the other hand, we have movies like “Hey Ram‘ which starred both Kamal Hassan and Shah Rukh Khan, had quite a radical storyline yet failed in the box office simply because it was too complex for the common man to comprehend.

The Result
If this guide is followed correctly, the film will become a blockbuster, earn millions in revenues for the producer, nationwide fame and giant size cutouts for the hero, tons of film offers and constant paparazzi stalking for the heroine, invites to dinner everyday by hopeful actors for the director, and for you? As the mastermind behind this movie, you’ll probably receive a miserably small cut out of the profits and be asked to keep your mouth shut. You can thank me later.

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